I feel like writing, but nothing’s coming to mind. Just one of those aimlessly creative moods because creating, whether it be writing, performing, or painting, is one of those things that’s just as necessary as breathing to me. Maybe I’ll start reading a new book and get some of those juices flowing.
I’m in a weird place. My support group has sort of eroded and I’m standing in the middle between a place I want to be and being sad because I feel like I’ve lost most of the people who’ve really helped me over the last few years.
Truth is, I’ve moved on. I’m not completely done baking, but my needs are changing, my heart is beating and I’m ready to find myself in the world again.
Most of my support group have moved on too, just in different ways. Many of the childless couples I met – the first childless couples I met after being married – are no longer childless, and others are looking forward to not staying childless. We’re all sort of moving on to new journeys and I feel distant and sad. I’m moving in a different direction – I can’t join them, and I honestly don’t want to – but I feel bad because of how vehemently I react inside. I don’t know if it’s normal because I don’t know many (any?) couples who don’t want children as strongly as I.
But this is life, I suppose. I’m told there are couples like us, who grow old and never have children because they find fulfillment in living life sans crypods, but I don’t really know where to find them. My circle, my support group, my friends who helped me realize that it was okay to find myself and healthy to be me have moved on to different journeys. That group will always be special and valuable to me, but right now, it’s time for me to start on my own journey – my own rebirth. To find my center and dance to the tribal drums. It’s time to find new circles.
We had a heat warning thing the other day because the heat index was at 100º F due to humidity. Unlike the rest of the US, apparently Maine doesn’t believe in central AC so we have to try to suffice with the stupid window units that work as long as you’re not in a different room.
So then the power went out, for an hour or two. We left and went to dinner (AC!) and then came home and decided to go to the beach.
I’ve been wanting to break out my bikini, so I put it on and we left and I realized that my bikini debut was going to take place on a day where I’m really prickly, because I hadn’t shaved or had a chance to shower before leaving, and my hair was all greasy and I was bloaty from heat and water retention and my stomach being weird all day and generally the complete opposite of how I wanted to look when I wore my bikini to the beach in my imagination.
But then I realized, you know what, I’m okay with that. I was okay for not being completely perfect and just going – unshaved legs and arms and greasy hair and acne and bloat and everything.
So then after walking around in my bikini for a little while, the bugs discovered me because it was low tide and they were parched, and I looked tasty.
We left shortly after that.
And that’s the story of my bikini debut.
I Got some shiny gold paint and colored all the plated sections which really seems to add *a lot* of epic-ness to my little army that was missing before. Not sure how well that comes across because of my very red side table, but it at least puts my army back on par with Alex’s and the rest of everyone else’s.
I think I secretly feel the need to prove myself with my army, because I’m an artist and the majority of the paints I’m using are my own artist-grade paints that I’ve accumulated for my work. I feel like I need to really bring everything I have to the table with these and make them badass (and pink, which is remarkably difficult) and perfect which is hard for someone who’s not a perfectionist with things she does for herself.
I guess I want people to feel the same way about the paint job on my army as I do about theirs. I love them, and I think the amount of thought and artistry and work they put into it is amazing and their armies are just so interesting to look at. I want to feel that way about my army, and I want people to think that too. I think with the metal element I’m getting there, and I think by the time they’re all washed and sealed I’ll be pretty close.
I finally updated my shop! I painted for a few hours the other day because I just absolutely needed to – and I painted the word I keep telling myself, a truth I have to remind myself of over and over.
[I am and you are] Beautiful.
Maybe it’s a little cliche, but sometimes I need a little bit of cliche.