Honestly, this one scares me a little. Because for some reason, the times that I’m honest and vulnerable here tend to blow up in my face and it’s really painful. So I haven’t posted anything here below surface level for a very very long time, because I’m scared to. I’m scared of what will happen if I am myself and vulnerable and authentic – but I’m tired of hiding inside the surface on *my own blog* and only posting things that are more or less just professionally me without much of me or my personality or myself in them. Hiding behind my words, that I hope are interesting, but never letting anyone close enough to see who I am.
I am an ENFP, and I didn’t realize how very accurate that is until recently. Accepting ( yeah, I had to accept that, and get through to myself that it’s OKAY to not be an ESTJ – which is what came up when I answered questions the way I thought I was “supposed” to instead of honestly) that has helped me understand myself, if that makes sense. A lot of the things I never understood about myself – why I felt the way I did about things, and why sometimes even the very *hint* of something being pushed on me causes me to react so violently (internally, not physically) – I was able to understand, because I was (am) able to accept that as part of my personality, it *is* who I am, it’s who’ve I’ve always been just waiting for me to allow myself to be me and not the armored image that I thought was appropriate.
I’m not the Iron Lady anymore. I never *truly* was, I was trying to be. And that’s as hard for me to accept (or was, getting better at that now) as it is or will be for anyone else. Because I was wicked good at wearing that mask, and only the people who really tried saw through it.
So this, this is part of me. My little rose self is poking through the armor and into the daylight. Please don’t crush it.