I’m so excited about this thing I discovered yesterday that it’s the only thing I’m featuring…
CANNOT WAIT for this to come out. It looks so amazing and beautiful – the colors, the score…I hope it’s as good or better than the trailer….
Also, I officially love the fantasticalness of Dr. Seuss, and expect to enjoy The Lorax just as much (if not more) than Horton Hears a Who.
I’m used to treading with caution, and when I wear my heart in the open I feel so vulnerable. I usually keep my deepest and truest opinions to myself and people I really trust because of the amount of work and soul I put into discovering the things that are solid at the moment. I’ve learned that opinions and perspective change as you learn more and experience more, so I’ve stopped trying to put myself and my opinions into a box that I won’t allow to change. Because the evolution of thought and learning, I feel, is essential to being human. At least it is for me.
So it takes a while to work up the courage to wear my heart on my sleeve, here, sometimes. Especially with something I know might not be taken well, but has been weighing on me and keeps coming back into my thought process that I feel the only way to make it click and articulate it properly is to write it out and let it be. Maybe soon, when this particular muse strikes back in sentences and cohesion I’ll allow myself, and my heart to say the thoughts that have been circling. But not today, I’m not ready yet.
Yesterday I had an idea – but first, I guess, the back story.
I, like every other woman, struggle with self image, self confidence, self esteem – basically, anything that has to do with thinking I am in any way good or valuable, I struggle with, and I always have. Because I don’t feel like I am, or like I’m worth allowing myself to be and feel the way I dream. Although we all know deep in the recesses of our souls, the little girls we keep in corners of our hearts are telling us that we actually are worth believing the best about ourselves, we don’t listen, because we look in the mirror everyday. We step on the scale, we see our stomachs aren’t where we’d like them to be, we’re out of shape, we have lip hair (hate. that. so. much.) or hair in weird places (toes, anyone? or is that just me?) we know we could be fit, and we want to be, so we work really really hard to get there, and look in the mirror and still see all the flaws and determine that I’m just not beautiful, and nothing is working.
Yesterday, I was having a particularly gloomy episode. Bad lighting and a bad face day, and not being where I wanted to be on the scale just all sort of meshed with my general tiredness and wasn’t helping anything much. In the evening I was redesigning the header here, and lurking around pinterest, and I’d spent a few hours writing, and was generally locked up inside my head when a bit of inspiration hit from future self. Future Self, who’s lovely, beautiful, and good at making people feel better. So, I grabbed red and black dry erase markers and wrote the note from this Future Self, and this is what it said.
Hey! You! Sexy! Yeah, you. I just wanted to say that YOU are beautiful. I know, I know, you feel fat and like nothing you’re doing is helping but listen to this: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL RIGHT NOW exactly the way you are. When you finally see yourself that way, everything you’re doing will seem much better because regardless, you know you ARE beautiful. Love, your future self
It’s on Pinterest too.
I’m hoping that if it’s there on the mirror that I look in everyday, at eye level, eventually I’ll read it and internalize it enough that I’ll actually be able to remember those truths and that, I think, will make all the difference.
I’m facing a dilemma. I’m working on re-illustrating and I finally have all the drafts done. The problem is, the new James looks much different than the old James (two very different styles) and I’m not sure which style to go with. Obviously, James 2.0 will still be different from 1.0, but I’m wondering if I should bring it closer to 1.5 instead. Not sure, so today it’s open ended – which do you like better? You can comment here, or just like one of the pictures on Facebook.
In the meantime, I’ve been painting the non people scenes with acrylics on cold press paper. *love* it.
So today I started my new thingy, where I wake up during the morning and work out before Alex wakes up. I like it! except for the bout of queasiness from trying to eat apples too quickly after everything. I think maybe I should either wait longer, or start out with the apples so I have a little blood sugar and I don’t get all weird and dizzy, and maybe lemon water instead of just water.
Anyway, I like it, and I feel more awake and significantly less grumpy-morning-kiery even though it’s all gloomy and stuff. Although right now I’m getting hit with a case of the 2’s, so I think after I’m done here I’m going to take my hazelnut iced coffee and do some painting with my photography lights. See if I can’t get some of those energy endorphins I had this morning and an hour ago back…
Also, perk: Phineas and Ferb in the morning. So that’s cool. I feel a bit more nimble in the morning too, and I started off with a round of easy Zen exercises to loosen up before I got into the work out portion of the game (yay for kinects!).
Tonks seems to like this too, as he gets fed faster. Which makes me wonder if maybe he wasn’t curling up beside me because I’m cute and warm in the mornings, but because he wanted me to wake up and feed him?….
Sometimes I have so many ideas, or really good ideas are given to me, that it all ends up in a jumble of stuff that I really want to do, and really want to do NOW. But there’s so much of it that it never really ends up going anywhere. So I made a system. It’s not really a system, it’s actually just a list. That way, I can write down all the ideas I have and want to do, so when I need something to do I can look at it, or if I forget one, I have a place to go and remember and in general it just promotes brainstorming. I had one of these moments last night, and this is what I ended up with: Alex suggested the idea of making a web-comic to me and I really liked it. I just have to come up with a story and stuff, but first I need to finish illustrating my current project. Although, I have a bit more motivation now, because I’m going to try and not let myself move on until the illustrating is done and I have a really good story idea. I have a few, none of them are really fleshed out and I’m contemplating the idea of doing a couple one-shots or collaborating with Alex. I could also use some of the material that I wrote years ago and put a twist on it…
Earlier this week I had a really cool idea for a painting which I practically laid out completely, because I don’t want to forget my initial idea for it.
I’d also really like to start waking up earlier than I currently do, because winter is coming which means it’ll start getting dark at 3pm and that absolutely drives me nuts. If I stay on my current schedule (going to bed at 2am and waking up at 12:30) I’d barely get 3 hours of daylight, and I did that before and I was miserable. So I’m thinking maybe waking up in the am and not just going to bed then would help with my winter blues…and if I woke up before Alex, I could do some exercises and be less grumpy (I’m so not a morning person).
My problem is that as much as I really want to, when the alarm goes off I’m going to definitely *not* want to so I need some kind of motivation. Maybe I’ll check and see what cartoons are on, and I’ll start slow. Or maybe I’ll promise myself blueberry pancakes that are toast-able.
I love and hate the feeling of having so many ideas and dreams and plans but not really being sure how to do them. It’s overwhelming in a good way but it feels like a lot, and for me, I need *reasons* to do the stuff that I know I should but lack motivation to do. Even petty reasons…like if Phineas and Ferb are on in the mornings, or something to get my energy up about it if I just feel like sitting and not doing anything. I know it makes me feel bad, and doing things: art, working out, writing, whatever, make me feel better. But sometimes that’s not quite enough to pull me out of my fog. The most helpful thing I’ve discovered is dragging around one of our photography lights so I trick myself into thinking there’s sun (I’m more energetic on sunny days). It’s weird. And yet, I want to move to PDX someday. Sometimes I don’t even make sense to myself.
On an unrelated note, I found this a on pinterest a while ago, and I’ve been wanting to share it because it’s so…. me right now.
I found this on pinterest today and it hit me. A lot of the time I feel so young (I am young :P) and lost and like none of the stuff I’m doing really means much, because there’s so much out there I don’t know, and I’m making so many mistakes that I don’t even know about because I’m so inexperienced. But then I saw this. Sometimes I do want to quit, and just hole up and live under the blankets – I want to give up my heart and stop pouring it into paint and canvas and words because I look back on them and blush. I don’t really know what “success” is for me or how close I am to “achieving” it (if that’s even something you can achieve), but I still paint and draw and write because I *like* it, I *want* it, and even though I have so much to learn that sometimes I don’t even want to think about it – I know it brings me closer to myself, and discovering the girl inside who knows me, and knows who I am and what I’m capable of. Sometimes I get lost because my secondary motivation is to help out and honestly I’m thinking that it might be a bit of hinderance at times and I feel like I need to get back to just creating for the sake of creating, and creating because I love it, I need it, and it becomes me.
I don’t know what I’ll do or be in 5 years, 10 years, or next year. Hopefully I’ll be a better artist, a more loving person, and a better friend. I know there’s so much I don’t know…but I think I need to take the time and look at exactly how far I’ve come, in so many different aspects and parts of myself. I’m becoming me.
How far have you come in your hopes, ambitions, and journey? I bet it’s a lot more than you’d expect when you stop and think about it.
I ran out of eraser last week, so I couldn’t work on drafting my illustrations until I got more. So I got some on Saturday, and I picked up some colored pens, and a super-fine tip pen, and a 7 pack of canvases. ^.^
I realized something the other day – In film and in some books, the outlines are done in darker shades of the color used to fill in the object and black is used sparingly. For some reason I always registered it as a simple black outline and wondered why it didn’t look quite right until I realized there *are* outlines, but not in black, much. So I picked up a tan pen for skin tones and a blue and a red pen for the balloons, and a superfine black pen for other details. We’ll see how that goes, but I’m glad I think I figured that out. Maybe.
So, I’ll be getting back to illustrating this week (hopefully) now that I can put the desk back from filming this weekend 😉
I have a fleece jacket, it’s soft and warm, and makes me soooo happy. Because now I can go outside with a jacket and I’m not still freezing. I’ve been wearing a track-ish jacket for a few years because it’s small enough to fit under other jackets, but it wasn’t providing quite enough warmth. So we went to old navy on Saturday and I got a warm fleece jacket with built in hand warmers. ^.^ My mood has gone up several notches over the last few days because of it (I like to be warm).
Saturday night we went to a concert with Alex’s family to see Elizabeth Von Trapp (yeah, the sound of music people). I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but her performance was amazing. She’s not a musician you could really sing along to, or with, but what she does with her voice and the words that she chooses in the songs that she writes is something that is more like painting than singing. She’s an illustrator with words and uses her voice like a painter uses a brush. I’ve never seen anything quite like that before, and it was amazing – completely unexpected, so very artistic and stunning. I couldn’t help but feeling that she’s transcended the world of musicians and crossed a bridge and what she does and how she does it, is art. and it’s lovely.
Yesterday, Alex and I ended up finishing (sort of) a short we came up with the other day, and that was a blast. I love filming with him. We’re only able to do it on nights and weekends, but I love it. It’s fun to get out of our comfort zones and try new things (in the comfort and seclusion of our studio 😉 ) and learn what we’re good at and comfortable with and figure out new things. The longest thing is post-production and adding in things and cutting things together, which I can’t really help with (because it’s all on Alex’s computer) but I love seeing what it’s like at all the stages. ^.^