Browsed by
Tag: update

Avocado Toast

Avocado Toast

It’s 12:30am on Thursday. My body has decided hot flashes every 10 minutes is a Fun Thing To Do, so I’m awake. I haven’t written here since the end of March. I’m currently waiting for hopefully the last edit of a hyperlapse for YIMBYtown – the housing conference & unconference in July that East Bay Forward is putting on (go sign up!)- to export. FCPX was not meant for an underspec’d macbook, just saying.

I’m terrified that suddenly I will lose the ability to write and everything of mine will just suck. Because writing for 17+ years is obviously how you lose talent, not hone it. Also, my ability to draw and do anything creative or worthwhile. Somehow making progress also gives me a boatload of imposter syndrome.

I also had the realization that as an adult, I have what we called “fiat power” in speech and debate over the things I control. Which means, even if I AM actually pulling answers out of my ass, those are the answers we have and that’s okay. I’m still coming to grips with this.

I applied to the Machinist program at Laney College for the fall, which I’m really excited about.

 

I’ve been spending all of my time doing activism in one form or another and practicing selfcare. I’m really stressed about making ends meet. I feel like my time is needed in activism but activism isn’t paying me enough to keep me housed and fed sustainably. I have this recurring existential crisis where I weigh my failure in a capitalist system vs the Actual Work I Am Doing. I spend more time doing work than I’m getting paid for, and it’s work I love doing, but I need to figure out how to make it sustainable. Spending more energy than I am getting in return as far as work input for the ability-to-live-without-anxiety-output is not great long term planning. In that vein, I’m hirable, supportable, and fundable. My current situation is: I have a lot of things that are breaking or important (my cell phone, my surface pro, clothes that fit) that I just can’t afford to replace and still be able to make the minimums on my bills and buy food.

My taxes are still currently stuck in the IRS, and I have no idea when I’ll get my return. I filed in February. I called the number, it was the same exact thing as the website form but with a robot voice. Anyway, things are both terrifying and exciting right now. I am learning that it’s really hard to value my time, but that I have to or I’ll starve. yay capitalism.

 

I meant for this to end cheerier, but I accidentally had avocado toast this week and ruined my future.

Holy Shit 2k16

Holy Shit 2k16

Guess I’ll just start off with a list of Things I’ve Done this year and then talk about how I feel about them/the world in general, because holy fuck 2016.

  • This time last year I’d just enrolled at North Seattle and was starting ABE where I learned I’m actually good at math and I learn quickly, I thrive in school, I am Hermoine, and I aced writing while I did it.
  • uh, i got divorced and moved to California. Sometimes I feel like it’s somehow less valid because we’re still friends and still care about eachother deeply, it was just time for me to go and explore the things I needed to, to find myself.
  • I went to Burning Man and found myself. That was when I realized the truth about my trans-ness that I’d been fighting for so long didn’t need to be hidden anymore. That it was worth acknowledging that and doing with that….whatever I needed to.
  • I got swindled out of a home & I’m still fighting to get the deposit back, and also started and quit a job in a month because burn out.
  • I kinda help East Bay Forward run a little bit now.
  • I started Therapy, and that was a really fucking great decision. I feel like I’m finally starting to heal some of the bits I was too afraid to touch before.
  • I started HRT. Asian Pacific Wellness Center in San Francisco if you’re trans, poor, and uninsured. Also if you’re trans and fine and insured. They’re wonderful. I got a blood test (to check for HEP A&B immunity) and started T in the same week (!informed consent!). They have a sliding scale and I literally paid nothing for my shots. <3 <3
  • I traveled out of the Country for the first time. I’m on Holiday in Mex. resting a bit before wandering out to watch the fireworks. It’s beautiful here, and also everyone thinks I’m a local and then I disappoint them by not knowing Spanish very well.
  • I met some amazing people and love so many people and grew my chosen family by a lot.

Things I learned, or proved to myself, or things:

  • I am really fucking strong. On a lot of levels. Impressively, I’m actually strong physically which I learned at Burning Man when I was carrying metal around like it was nothing and single handedly holding up parts of a geodeisic dome. But also, I’m just actually a strong human. I’ve been through so fucking much, and the last year has had me scared shitless because I faced so many things for the first time: being on my own, being almost homeless, not having any other income to rely on than my own, getting on MediCal, starting a small claims case, figuring out T….
  • Transitioning is a good idea. I’ve never felt this much myself before. I have a body that is a barrier between me and the outside world and I have starting and endpoints, my body is….less of a prison now and more…mine? other things include feeling emotions infinitely more intensely but being able to handle them and push through things. I have so much more ability now, I feel like I’m the version of myself I really needed this year. The version of me that is wholly myself and seen.
  • I’ve been through a lot of legitimately hard shit and it’s okay to feel that.
  • I am valid as I am, and no one can take that from me
  • I am actually fast at learning
  • I can actually do anything and do it well – or at least well enough to get by
  • I’m really bad at asking for help, and I’m not that much better at taking care of myself
  • my needs are important too

Things I want/to do/etc in 2017

  • To be financially stable – because my credit score is sad and debt is not cool, but at least soon all of my health things will be covered including therapy, so that will make it easier
  • To get back into school, take more math and writing and science – I qualify for in-state tuition on June 8, assuming we still exist then.
  • Get some (paid) articles published
  • Take charge on a lot more things
  • Make art regularly
  • Fight Fascism where I find it (lately every time hate speech occurs at my bart stop I’ve been cleaning it up. I’d like to do more)
  • Get into photography/filmmaking again and scultping
  • Go to Burning Man
  • Go to 34C3
  • Do more professional writing
  • Actually make those projects I keep meaning to
  • Bike more and get less scared of rodes
  • mebbe abs

Things I really want but probably won’t happen:

  • A smol floofy doge.

Good things:

  • loving, healthy, autonomous relationships
  • taking care of myself
  • chocolate therapy ice cream with sprinkles after therapy
  • my own bed and stuffed animals
  • the terrifying freedom of being on your own
  • trusting my instincts
My Life On Paper

My Life On Paper

The first quarter of sort of college is almost over, and I feel like I’ve fallen into a rut of sleep – school – sleep and like I’m not getting anything much done (besides school, which totally counts). So last night I wrote down some of my priorities, to help focus and get out of said rut. Whether or not that will actually work, we’ve yet to see, because I still feel like living under the blankets until class and then going back to bed. Although I did manage to flesh out the design for my next tattoo last night, so that was something.IMG_0021

I’m hoping I can crank out some comics for E.R.A. over the two week break between quarters so I can get back into that, hoping to also finish the js course on code academy and start on making a crawler. I also need to take the english placement test to see if I can start at college level english next quarter, and get some more canvasses so I can finish the series to submit to the Gender Odyssey conference this fall.

My school is paying for me to go to a LGBTQ summit for college students at the end of the month so maybe I’ll do something with my hair before that too.

What I really need to do is break things down into bite-sized chunks for the daytime hours, but I haven’t had the energy to do that yet. Right now weekends are my making stuff time – The Sims4 Series, and hopefully drawing and programming…but I really should work some of those into week days.

Right now I feel kind of like, I know generally what I want to do with my life, but I’m not sure how to do all of it. It’s a bit overwhelming and I think maybe that’s why my body is set on knocking me out until class and then crashing again. So many options, my school alone has so many things going on that it’s super overwhelming and I think maybe I just need to loosen my grip a little and see where it takes me.

Oh, and my birthday happened! I was in San Francisco for it and it was lovely.

So far, 25 has been emotionally intense, but good, I think. So many plans, and ideas, and things that I can’t quite make tangible yet…and a lot of creative energy that I don’t have the physical energy to express.

I’ll get there.

tangent

tangent

I didn’t do any WordPress videos on Tuesday, because a work project came up which meant I got to play with MySQL databases and mess around on the server side, so learning was still a thing. Had this huge problem that was created by my browser deciding to insert my email address in the whitelist space…so, just a day in the life.

Monday was the one year anniversary of Kiery’s Fairy Porn and I drew a fairy, obviously.

While averting minor crises today I also managed to get out a full E.R.A. comic. I moved my Wacom tablet to my laptop, which means the way I usually export and upload is different so the compression is weird but all the tools worked while drawing, so. It’s weird how much an OS change can really fuck you over if one of your incredibly commonly used pieces of hardware didn’t make a driver for it. 😛

Anyway. I had a lot of really great thoughts while I was taking a shower, but now they’re rescinding.

It really feels like autumn here. The weather is lovely and finally starting to be the drizzly Seattle I was promised. Night is heavy and dark and magical. We have a planter with a grow light which helps – it’s basically a sun light, but it’s currently over three pods of basil. I love how the colors outside are more vibrant when it’s overcast. Happy to be somewhere it can be chilly and grey but not monochromatic and snow covered.

I’m helping a friend out by testing a product for her (called It Works) that’s basically a vitamin complex to make your hair/skin/nails grow and be all nice and stuff. “But Kiery, you just cut your hair! Why do you want to grow it again?” Because I can cut it again, my dear! Also my hair could use some nourishment after being mostly bleached and colored for the last couple years, so it can’t hurt, right?

I also grabbed some scalp happiness/damage repair shampoo because my hair has been angry with me; right now my hair is super soft.

This is something I know all of you wanted to know, YOU’RE WELCOME. (The shampoo/conditioner I got is Clear, from Target, if yeah, anyway). I just want my head to be less itchy and dandruff-y 😛

I’m having feelings and thoughts about lip hairs, so maybe there’ll be a comic on that on Friday.

on Windows 10, Art Work, and Self Care

on Windows 10, Art Work, and Self Care

I was apprehensive about updating my laptop to Windows 10, especially after getting it and needing to wait for patches for games to work on Windows 8. Since the entire reason I have a windows laptop is to play PC games, it seemed like a good idea to not rush into upgrading until I knew I would still be able to play something.

But the other thing I was waiting for was the roll-out, because Win10 launches on a rollout so the other day I got the notification that it was ready (and that I could switch back) so I thought I’d give it a try.

First of all, everything still seems to run – Guild Wars2, Origin, Minecraft, Steam. And Secondly, my laptop has finally come to grips with it being a laptop and gotten rid of the tablet interface and strange outside-of-desktop fullscreen apps. Which means, there’s a twitter client, and I’m not accidentally popping out to the start screen at random, and the UI is generally nicer and easier to use because it’s in laptop mode. Of course, if you have one of those “it’s a laptop! it’s a tablet! what is it even!” computers, there is a tablet mode for you.

So, I like it, and I can play my games, and have twitter open on the desktop instead of in browser, and Microsoft Edge is actually a pretty nice browser.


I haven’t drawn a proper E.R.A. comic in a couple weeks and I’ve been feeling guilty. It’s not that I don’t want to or I’m lacking motivation (it’s not), it’s just that the last couple weeks have been intense. I don’t want to apologize for not drawing because of exhaustion or need to self-care, but I did realize something – a couple things actually.

1. I make my best art when my physical and mental health is taken care of. Depressed Kiery’s art is still (pretty decent) art but it’s not as good as the things I’m capable of making when I’m actually doing okay.

Which, has what to do with E.R.A., exactly? I draw when I’m not okay all the time, in fact I make a lot of angsty comics because they’re important for my mental health and they’re great – I often keep coming back to reference the comics I made out of frustration because they’re powerful and they stick. But unlike the one-shots I usually do, E.R.A. is a story with a lot of arcs and… I’m going to be honest here – it terrifies me.

I’m not used to writing long stories that don’t end after 10 panels or go on longer than the length of a children’s book. I don’t even think I’ve successfully written anything longer than a short story for NaNoWriMo.

E.R.A. is a story that I feel like needs to be written regardless of how much it terrifies me and makes me stare at my insecurities about my ability to write interesting fiction. I think about it all the time, I have pages of notes that are arcs ahead of where we are right now that are constantly be added to and revised and the world is growing. It’s really magical and amazing and scary.

So sometimes, if I am as utterly exhausted as I have been, and it’s all I can manage to doodle to a prompt…..I don’t end up sitting down for hours to draw E.R.A. because I know I’ll scrap it. I’ll be spending energy becoming frustrated because it’s not what I know I could make it be if I only just let myself rest. So instead, I rest, and come back to it stronger and better and prettier, and make something I’m at least a little more proud of than I would have been if I had made it when I was burnt out, just to say that I had made it that week. I really want E.R.A. to take off massively and my theory is that it has to be consistent in order for that to happen, but sometimes, I just can’t.

And I think that’s okay. Because I make the rules for this particular comic, and I want it to be as amazing as I imagine it. It’s a process and I’m not there yet, but I know the days I’m incapable of even coming close and those are the days when everything else is telling me that I need to rest.

2. My health and sanity is more important than my productivity.

It feels scary to be writing that professionally, but it’s true. If I want to keep making art (and writing code) I need to remember that productivity shouldn’t come at the expense of my health and calm, because I need both of those in order to make anything and be able to actually live. That I make cool things is just a perk of me being me, it’s not my point or value. I’m saying this just as much for myself (and for coming back and reminding later) as anything. My value is inherent and it’s not based on what I make even though what I make has the potential to be really amazing (and I hope it is).

So at like 4 this morning I finally reached a point where I was calm, and I’m just going to spend the rest of the day trying to stay in that zone and have some Kiery chill time.

misc

misc

My kitchen cabinets that store dishes and food are organized and nice now.

We came back home from the park and I was like, wow, it’s so clean. It’s a nice feeling. We’ll see if I can’t stay on top of it.

Eventually I should reach the top of the fridge, but that involves a chair (as do all the high shelves) so maybe I’ll wait for my bruise to heal from when I used the chair and then failed the dismount, first. 😛 You know, so I can do it again.

I’ve been playing minecraft so much it’s invading my dreams. Seriously. EVERYTHING IS MADE OUT OF BLOCKS, and I keep finding coal (which I’m cool with because XP, woot, but dream XP doesn’t transfer dammit).

Minecraft is super fun, but also, upon reaching the 4th hour straight I start to seriously reconsider my life (as I make an inventory full of pickaxes and get back to mining) and like, why am I even? So I will probably attempt to resist the urge to mine tonight to give my brain and dreamspace a break from….mining and crafting.

I drew again yesterday and today for inktober, and fought the urge to burn them right after posting. My lines are shitty and my drawing is crap right now. It feels broken, but meh. I drew my coworkers as superheroes which was fun. This is what I get for taking a break and not drawing for a couple days, apparently. My hands just forget how pens work…which isn’t depressing at all….or anything.

Apparently “taking a break” = Kiery posts random boring shit on hen’s blog everyday.

I wrote about my recent weight gain on my fitblr, and I’ve been confused as to how I feel about it. Mostly because I feel several conflicting things at once and things I expect to feel but don’t, necessarily. On one hand, I feel heavy (because weight) and that makes me uncomfortable. On the other hand, when I look at my body, I see a human, instead of whatever I saw or didn’t see before. On another hand (lets pretend I’m like an octopi or something) when I look in the mirror I see a human body but I don’t necessarily recognize it as my own, just like, oh, there’s a person in the mirror. On yet another hand, I actually almost sort of feel comfortable like I’m at where I should be….right before I get bombarded by my mom’s voice and criticism about how she was so much thinner and tinier than me at my age and all the ages, and how she was a size 6 but should be smaller and and and….

But then earlier today, as I was trying to figure out how exactly I felt about my body and whether I felt good or bad about it today, I thought maybe it’s not either, maybe my body just is today, and it’s whatever it is. I don’t have to judge all the things all the time.

Sometimes I feel like if I’m not constantly at war with myself it means something’s wrong or makes my identity somehow less valid, which, now that I’ve written it out, seems kind of absurd. I think judging whether I, or bits of me (my body) are good or bad and having to almost decide that, stems from old fundamentalist mentality where the answer is almost always “bad”. But I don’t think everything is inherently anything, it just is, so why can’t I extend that to my body?

And, importantly: how I feel about my body (and myself in it) on any given day doesn’t change my gender identity, validity, or who I am.

Jerk brain, for some reason, doesn’t find that obvious unless I write it in a sentence. As if trying to feel better about my body + me is somehow a bad thing. Sometimes my brain is a real asshole.

Apparently the autumn is at peak so we went to one of the state parks and walked around and I stepped on all the crunchy leaves.