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Tag: stress

Avocado Toast

Avocado Toast

It’s 12:30am on Thursday. My body has decided hot flashes every 10 minutes is a Fun Thing To Do, so I’m awake. I haven’t written here since the end of March. I’m currently waiting for hopefully the last edit of a hyperlapse for YIMBYtown – the housing conference & unconference in July that East Bay Forward is putting on (go sign up!)- to export. FCPX was not meant for an underspec’d macbook, just saying.

I’m terrified that suddenly I will lose the ability to write and everything of mine will just suck. Because writing for 17+ years is obviously how you lose talent, not hone it. Also, my ability to draw and do anything creative or worthwhile. Somehow making progress also gives me a boatload of imposter syndrome.

I also had the realization that as an adult, I have what we called “fiat power” in speech and debate over the things I control. Which means, even if I AM actually pulling answers out of my ass, those are the answers we have and that’s okay. I’m still coming to grips with this.

I applied to the Machinist program at Laney College for the fall, which I’m really excited about.

 

I’ve been spending all of my time doing activism in one form or another and practicing selfcare. I’m really stressed about making ends meet. I feel like my time is needed in activism but activism isn’t paying me enough to keep me housed and fed sustainably. I have this recurring existential crisis where I weigh my failure in a capitalist system vs the Actual Work I Am Doing. I spend more time doing work than I’m getting paid for, and it’s work I love doing, but I need to figure out how to make it sustainable. Spending more energy than I am getting in return as far as work input for the ability-to-live-without-anxiety-output is not great long term planning. In that vein, I’m hirable, supportable, and fundable. My current situation is: I have a lot of things that are breaking or important (my cell phone, my surface pro, clothes that fit) that I just can’t afford to replace and still be able to make the minimums on my bills and buy food.

My taxes are still currently stuck in the IRS, and I have no idea when I’ll get my return. I filed in February. I called the number, it was the same exact thing as the website form but with a robot voice. Anyway, things are both terrifying and exciting right now. I am learning that it’s really hard to value my time, but that I have to or I’ll starve. yay capitalism.

 

I meant for this to end cheerier, but I accidentally had avocado toast this week and ruined my future.

waning

waning

It’s been a rough week and I think at the back of my mind I’m worried that maybe my new meds aren’t going to work, or aren’t working (I’ve only been on the new dose 4 days, so).

My shoulders are massively fucked at the moment, shocked the massage person who said it was really good that I came in and that they’re really bad and it’ll take multiple sessions to fix. I was like, yeah, I kinda figured…once my neck decided it didn’t really like turning. Apparently I held up really well for what we did with the deep tissue massage, I think I feel it more now than I did at the time, but I can move, and more importantly, I think I can sleep again.

I’ve been fighting a lot of general insecurity and self-loathing and shit-feeling – like for some reason, when things are going okay, I feel like something must be wrong. Especially wrong with me.

How fucked up is that?

I’ve been feeling ashamed of my body, in part because of the shit that went down last week, partly because yay bloating and lactose intolerance, and partly because I gained a couple pounds and the lady at the doctors office made a face when weighing me.

Temporary bloat and uncomfortableness aside though, I’ve been feeling okayish with my weight/how my body looks. On a related front: upping my water intake and dabbling with pescetarianism vegequarianism and probably cutting out dairy for a little while because hahaha tummy (Y U NO LIKE ICE CREAM?).

Today I felt like I failed at everything even though I managed to get my 2nd Gardasil shot, and a massage, and run errands….I felt like it was my fault that things took longer than I wanted them to (the waiting time at the doctors office, is I think, probably, actually, out of my control), my fault for needing to spend money to make my shoulders/neck work again, my fault for trying to talk to people and being confused and tired (because I haven’t slept much/well the last few days because pain)…

I kept running scenarios over and over in my head, convinced I was stupid for this or that, or not doing this, or not being sure how much I should undress because the massage place was in/is part of a gym and I was so out of my element and in pain and tired…

^^ not an overly relaxing thought process for getting a massage

But I think I’ve also been scaring myself with baby-steps towards progress too.

Like looking up web jobs in Seattle, and realizing that I could do that, and not only that I could get a job, but I might be able to manage doing the Ada Developers Academy.

Almost seriously considering getting a local summer job didn’t completely freak me out for like 10 minutes (depressed by the options on the other hand…)

I kinda feel like venturing to the new game store we discovered.

But then I still have this little tiny, but people!!!!!!! thing…and then I overthink when I talk to them, but I feel like there’s a little progress, and then I’m like OH NO WHAT’S HAPPENING.

So, that’s probably normal, right?

Writing this all out helps me feel better and helps put things in perspective.

I do have some really cool shit going down (besides just E.R.A. —> which if you become a patron, you can get the full-size comic download /plug) that I’m looking forward to sharing after I convince myself I’m not a shitty shit face.

<3 Thanks for listening