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Perpetual Horror

Perpetual Horror

Life lately has consisted of constantly staring this horrific reality in the face and not blinking. Then, taking what I see and figuring out how to make it better, by going through even more horror – the horror that got us here – and finding the way out.

I read H.P. Lovecraft at night because the ultimate horror of which we do not name has nothing on this timeline.

I’m going through old bible stories and remembering things from my childhood. Like how my parents would rather that we had been raptured because they didn’t like who I was getting married to, and since I’d experienced love (and loss) I’d felt everything I need to for one lifetime. Or how they told us, multiple times that if god were to whisper that us kids should be killed, they would do so without hesitating. I remembered how my mom worshipped the women we knew who almost died in labor for their dedication and faith.

Only now do I see this as obvious signs of depression that they decided to go ahead and verbally pass on to their children. I’ve never been afraid of death and it’s a struggle not to see it as a blissful void, resulting in a much needed break from this cruel reality.

My optimism looks like: Well, things are shit and are going to be for ever unless we maybe do something about it, and that might not even work, or we’ll die before it happens, but we can say we tried, which is better than nothing.

I keep going, I keep fighting, because it’s all I know how to do and I haven’t managed to die yet. What matters most is what we do next, where we go from here.

Occasionally I have glimpses of what it must feel like to have a normal relationship to life. One where you really adamantly don’t want to die instead of being blasé about it. The one where stopping feels sad instead of restful. My parents ripped that from us by spending all their time talking about how great it would be if we were dead and in heaven instead of alive. It always bothered me, because like, we weren’t dead – and committing suicide/non-god-sanctioned murder meant you’d go to hell – so?

It’s really hard to find that right now. To be anything but nonchalant about dying and our dystopian future. In some ways, it almost feels protective. Like one less thing I have to worry about, because I’m generally meh about my existence. Life right now is mimicking my childhood on a much grander scale and pushing all the CPTSD buttons and I do not appreciate it. But all the coping mechanisms I honed while there, are back. I can press on, because it’s all I know how to do, and maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll catch glimpses of things that feel vaguely hope-like again.

An Open Letter to Hillary from Quivering Daughters

An Open Letter to Hillary from Quivering Daughters

Dear Hillary,

I don’t even know where to begin. You’ve grown and lived and thrived and your life journey is a beautiful work of art, it almost feels wrong to bring up Quivering Daughters even just to say thank you. But I’m not speaking just for me, when I say, sincerely, thank you for writing through your journey, for taking care of us as we left our families, for writing Quivering Daughters and leaving the blog up. Your tender heart and kind words were the gentle encouragement we needed to start moving forward ourselves. You didn’t judge and yet firmly confirmed that abuse was happening, that we weren’t wrong or broken for feeling how we did – you opened up the doors to healing for so many more of us than you know.

And I just really, truly, with all the warmth in the depths of my soul want to say thank you. Thank you for being the big sister so many of us needed, even though it was and is heart wrenching and hard and messy and exhausting. Thank you for moving forward in your own journey towards healing and showing us that it’s okay to embrace ourselves and make our life what we need it to be.

You are a beautiful human being and Quivering Daughters and now your art + life journey, mean so much to me, and so many of us.

Thank you. Thank you for being gentle and kind and healing. Thank you for lighting the way for so many more people than you realize.

What I want to do this year: Personal Edition

What I want to do this year: Personal Edition

I think one of the biggest things I’m going to learn this year is balance – how to balance my work and personal life. I suck at it, so much. With that in mind though, the last and final list of things I want to do for myself/because it’d be good.

* I want to have a christmas (and/or halloween) party and watch a non-holiday movie

* I’d like to (and we’re planning on) turn my book into a short film – do a really good job, and possibly show it.

* Take a nice relaxing vacation that’s longer than 3 days

* Visit my home-state (FL) or Oklahoma

* Go to/have a new years eve party

* Be able to get After Effects and a computer specifically to handle that (and Blender, and WoW…obviously.)

* Buy (or make) a bookshelf and retire the cardboard one

* Actually, retire *all* cardboard furniture and replace it with real furniture

* Level to 85 in WoW

* Have a bathing suit that fits and that I feel confident in

* become better at communicating boundaries (which is, actually to just communicate them) so that I can be more confident

* Find a GOOD therapist who doesn’t bring much of their religion into sessions unless they’re asked to.

* Heal

* Do something epic for my Sister-in-law’s Sweet 16th.

* Find a smaller car…that I don’t have to massively adjust the seat on, and I can also reach the floor…

* Play the Ukulele more

* Find a style, and wear it

* Dance

* Exercise more (yay kinect fitness!)

* Learn how to eat well

* Get a massage and visit a Chiropractor (hopefully soon)

* Cook a little because Alex would like it

* Get a non-lizard pet and name it Tonks or Nymphadora.