Sometimes it feels like the universe just really wants me to not get in to any of the communities that would help me grow faster and it’s really frustrating. I instantly hear the words of my parents when they ripped away my only social outlet and community as a teenager (competitive speech and debate) “you’re not going anywhere, so obviously this isn’t for you” and were one step closer to securing my life’s focus to be entirely on raising their children, cleaning their house, and cooking their food. My parents weren’t much with the keep trying thing, they were more with the, if you do it twice and don’t succeed to our standards, give the fuck up and go be invisible, doing what we want you to do.
I know it’s not personal, but years of living with people who make any “failure” out to be because you specifically suck is a hard mental cycle to break, even though I’ve been away for 6 years now. And when I try to apply to places where learning and community happen – whether it’s Ada or Geek and Sundry or cool jobs – and I don’t make it, it feels like it is because I specifically suck, and I specifically don’t deserve to have a community or group or boost to learning, because I specifically am horrible and have to do it the hard way.
Come to think of it, another piece of this feels onion is the about 18 years my parents spent saying that never having good things happen to you is the most holy thing, and working to improve and make things better is pointless because if it’s going to happen god will just plop it on your lap with no effort from you.
A theory I strongly believe to be bullshit (aided by my general agnosticism: I don’t have any celestial being to drop something good in my lap), but that comes up when I try really really hard to improve myself only to have that avenue not be open to me at the moment.
Basically all I learned from my parents is: why bother? don’t even try, and live in that miserable pit because it’s holy.
And I know it’s a lie, and abusive, and unhealthy – but then when I do try, and I put my heart and soul into a thing and it doesn’t pan out…guess what’s the first thing I hear?
So I’m going to cry today.
And then I’ll come back next week and do the things. I can teach myself, I did it all of my education. I’ll keep doing that and looking for opportunities. But right now I need to just be sad.